I have avoided my journal for a long time. Do you ever feel so bad, or get so low, you have nothing to say? I have for a long time. My short spurts of joy seem to be farther and farther apart. I was in a deep canyon for a long time. I am scratching and clawing to pull myself out and stay out this time. I have been battling physical problems for years and I was able to stay on top of it, but then another situation reared it's ugly head and I got pulled down with it since May of this year.
My husband used to call me a chipmunk early in our marriage and while we were dating. Unfortunately "life" throws you curves and when they come at you so frequently and don't let up it is horribly difficult to stay up.
I have come to a point in my life that I am tired of trying to "fix" things, tired of trying to make everyone happy, tired of running interference to make sure everyone around me was cushioned from things.
I have made so many mistakes, too many to mention...(I do believe that is a line in a song) I hope I am not stepping on any copyrights. = [. I am tired of feeling responsible for everyones problems. I am not. I miss the me I used to be, happy, loving, ready to take life by the horns. I miss the chipmunk. It is time to be one again.
I don't miss the things I did wrong and I hate the hurt I caused other people by my selfishness. We don't have a long life relatively speaking and I want to make the most of what I have left. We are supposed to consider others more important than ourselves. I have neglected to see all the good things in my life and I have focused on the negative things. It is very easy to do when you don't feel well for so long, but I need to turn things around.
I hope in the future any who read my posts will forgive me but I will not pull punches any more. I am alive because I have a God that loves me and has saved me more than once, both physically and spiritually. I need to start remembering all of the things I do have because of Him and start looking at the positive. I thank Him for pain medication and will continue to live somewhat well because of them. I have my mind, (of course some would argue that point) and my hands, my legs are here, not much good, but here and I can accomplish a lot with what I have.
I am determined to start enjoying the things in life that I enjoy and not letting people around me tell me I am boring. There is much in life to see and enjoy and much to do for people in need. Life is not about me, it is about what I can do for others and a God that loves me.
Oh, by the way if you are reading this and haven't heard, they finally found out what was wrong with my this year, not cancer as I had feared, but a bacterial imbalance in my body and hopefully the antibiotic I was on for two weeks over the holiday has corrected the problem. Life does go on, with or without us!! Here is something beautiful to enjoy! Look deep into everything you look at, there is much more there than meets the eye; whether it is human, animal or plant!
10/05/2010
We have had a few days of Thunder and lightening and the temperatures have dropped and I am loving it. There has been almost a constant shower for three days, stopping to catch it's breath and start again.
I think the cooler weather has given me some excitement to get my Etsy Store and blog together and work on them a little more consistently. I actually feel like I accomplished something today. I updated several of my photos on etsy and added a couple of new photos and jewelry on my storefront. It is a good feeling after several hours and editing photos yesterday just to find that none of the almost 100 would upload to Etsy. Some error in the working photo software.
Here are some photos I added to Etsy.
09/30/2010
Do you ever have nagging thoughts that you can't escape? Especially thoughts about someone you love or someone you have known and haven't seen in a while? I wrote a couple of weeks ago that we should love those around us; take the time to appreciate them and enjoy them. Well, I have had one of those nagging thoughts, I should write, I should send a card, I should.....
I got a phone call requesting prayer for a friend of many years today. It is her birthday and she has suffered a massive stroke and is/was on the way to the hospital in the ambulance. It is not good. I wish I would have listened to that nagging thought, I wish I would have written her a letter and told her how much I loved her, how much I appreciated her and her gentle ways of teaching and loving. I pray she will be ok, but I know she has lived a very full life and a long life and is loved by many because of her generous and loving nature and good spirit. I don't want her to live with the quality of life that I know she wouldn't want and I know where she is going and who she will be with. Our Father in Heaven is and has smiled on her for many years, and should He decide to take her "Home" I know she will be without the pain of a tired and old body and content to be with her Heavenly Father and in a "New Body" for an eternity. Thank God we have a purpose, a destiny, a reason for this life and it's ups and downs.
I love you my dear Grace, and I pray God's Best for you and His desire. You will be missed by many, should this be your time to go, but you have touched the lives and hearts of everyone around you and made their lives richer by your presence.
Friends, listen to that nagging thought, it is "the still small voice" that is speaking to you. Listen and do what you were put her to do.
The flower below reminds me of Grace, So beautiful when you look at it, but if you gaze at it's beauty deeply, you will find so much more than what is on the surface. Love those around you, and let them know you love and appreciate them.
09/28/2010
This is a face you can't help but love. Look at the love in her eyes. They are so special and as different as night and day. This is "Little Dog" the 4 pounder, she wants to know where I am and will then go to her bed until she hears or sees me move. "Big Dog" the 9 1/2 pounder thinks she is the baby of the 2 and likes to lay on the floor next to me and so close I can feel her.
At bedtime Little Dog gets under the covers and will stay there until I force her out. Big dog gets on the pillow next to me and sleeps as close to my head as I will allow.
Big Dog did something unusual a couple of times now, she woke me up when I had a low blood sugar. The first time I thought it was an accident.. The second time I was irritated with her for waking me as I was having trouble sleeping, she was sitting and put a paw on my cheek. I asked her if she needed to "go potty". When I got no excitement I told her to go "night-night". About a minute or two later she very gently scratched my cheek. I got up and told her Ok, lets go and she followed me and just watched me. I was feeling pretty bad and thought it was because I hadn't slept for a few days but better check my blood. It was very low and I went to the kitchen for a snack, under the watchful eye of the Big Dog! After my snack I took her back to bed and we both went to sleep! I understand it is very unusual but happens occasionally. I have been blessed twice. My last dog who was eaten by a hungry coyote did the same thing the last year she was alive. I never imagined it would happen again. It is evidence of a powerful bond between us that I cannot explain. I only know that I am grateful to have her and Little Dog.
09/20/2010
I am so excited about my glass and wire work. I am learning and seeing an improvement in my work. It is so exciting to see the finished product. There are times that I have to toss something or take it apart and start all over, but it is relaxing and makes me feel like there is purpose to each day besides sitting around and doing nothing. I don't want my mind to stagnate. I am learning and exercising my brain. There are days that I can't push myself enough, I research on the internet and read every publication that I can get my hands on to find new ways to do things. I am posting a picture of a necklace I just finished made of copper wire. I was so frustrated at first; my leaves looked like gingerbread boys!! But after much trial and error I finally got them looking like they were supposed to. I found this design in a book by a talented designer and made a few changes to the final design. I can only hope to be as talented as some of these designers are someday. I am having fun and that is what is important. I made an entire set, but these are the earrings. Never let your thoughts deceive you into thinking "You can't do anything"
YOU can do anything you put your mind to. After all, the bible tells us we can do anything through Christ that strengthens us. Nothing is impossible. Let your heart and mind sour and enjoy yourself!
OK, Here I am, again. I have decided to stop wallowing in self pity and march on! There are probably millions of people out there in this world who live in more pain and have more problems that I ever could think of. I have decided to open my tired eyes every morning and thank God for another day. I love to wake in the morning and hear the trees, whispering to each other and probably praising God for every time we neglect to do so. I hear the chipmunks and squirrels chattering and the birds singing.
There is a chill in the air that tells me my favorite time of year is on its way. I can hardly wait for the first snow.
I am totally enjoying my new found hobby of glass fusing and continuing to hone my skills at wire working. I can hardly wait each day to get into the work room to get started on another creation.
I have friends that bless my heart and make me feel glad to be here. I enjoy their company immensely.
And, my girls, they are a never ending source of joy. I tried to scold the big dog; Hannah, the other day and every time I tried to look at her seriously, all I could do was laugh at her. She is so comical and has so much personality.
I have started reading a book that I got half way through a few years ago and didn't finish. It is entitled "The Power of a Positive Wife". It is helping me get out of these doldrums. I know it isn't going to be an easy ride; but I am determined to rise above this and SHINE.
08/24/2010
One day last week I went to my front porch to water and saw a Mama bear and her cub across the street. The neighbor's kids work on vehicles and one that was sitting under the trees with the windows open was a vast playground for them. The climbed all over it got inside and it appeared as though they were going on vacation together. Too cute, but I heard they tore it up inside. They are very fun to watch, but we don't feed them so we don't find them at our doorstep when we get up looking for food!
08/08/2010
Bridal Jewelry
I went to a wedding today...very different wedding and fun. On the beach in early August and who would have expected a huge cloud burst just minutes after they said "I DO"! It poured for over an hour, but everyone was tucked inside two lovely tents enjoying the festivities and wonderful food and friends. I think the thing that made it so wonderful for me was seeing the excitement on the face of the bride when she introduced me as "Her Jewelry Designer". I have been sicker than a dog for weeks, but working on that bridal necklace and bracelet and seeing her face when she saw the finished product was worth all the money in the world.
I have always loved nothing more than making people happy. Making jewelry makes me happy and then seeing customers enjoy something I have made is truly wonderful. A gift from God. Here's a photo of her bracelet. A four variety of pearl cuff for a tiny 5" wrist. Mandrels don't come in 5"! I had to use a paper towel tube for a mandrel! It was so much fun and kept me from thinking about my own problems. A double blessing.
