I have avoided my journal for a long time. Do you ever feel so bad, or get so low, you have nothing to say? I have for a long time. My short spurts of joy seem to be farther and farther apart. I was in a deep canyon for a long time. I am scratching and clawing to pull myself out and stay out this time. I have been battling physical problems for years and I was able to stay on top of it, but then another situation reared it's ugly head and I got pulled down with it since May of this year.
My husband used to call me a chipmunk early in our marriage and while we were dating. Unfortunately "life" throws you curves and when they come at you so frequently and don't let up it is horribly difficult to stay up.
I have come to a point in my life that I am tired of trying to "fix" things, tired of trying to make everyone happy, tired of running interference to make sure everyone around me was cushioned from things.
I have made so many mistakes, too many to mention...(I do believe that is a line in a song) I hope I am not stepping on any copyrights. = [. I am tired of feeling responsible for everyones problems. I am not. I miss the me I used to be, happy, loving, ready to take life by the horns. I miss the chipmunk. It is time to be one again.
I don't miss the things I did wrong and I hate the hurt I caused other people by my selfishness. We don't have a long life relatively speaking and I want to make the most of what I have left. We are supposed to consider others more important than ourselves. I have neglected to see all the good things in my life and I have focused on the negative things. It is very easy to do when you don't feel well for so long, but I need to turn things around.
I hope in the future any who read my posts will forgive me but I will not pull punches any more. I am alive because I have a God that loves me and has saved me more than once, both physically and spiritually. I need to start remembering all of the things I do have because of Him and start looking at the positive. I thank Him for pain medication and will continue to live somewhat well because of them. I have my mind, (of course some would argue that point) and my hands, my legs are here, not much good, but here and I can accomplish a lot with what I have.
I am determined to start enjoying the things in life that I enjoy and not letting people around me tell me I am boring. There is much in life to see and enjoy and much to do for people in need. Life is not about me, it is about what I can do for others and a God that loves me.
Oh, by the way if you are reading this and haven't heard, they finally found out what was wrong with my this year, not cancer as I had feared, but a bacterial imbalance in my body and hopefully the antibiotic I was on for two weeks over the holiday has corrected the problem. Life does go on, with or without us!! Here is something beautiful to enjoy! Look deep into everything you look at, there is much more there than meets the eye; whether it is human, animal or plant!